Control – Why it never works and why it can lead to obsessive relationships…

Bede Nicholson explores the patterns of being obsessive in our lives, and how destructive those patterns can be in a relationship with others.

Con●trol freak: (noun, informal)

A person who feels an obsessive need to exercise control over themselves and in a relationship with others.

Being obsessive may have been OK for dictators like Saddam Hussein or musical divas like Madonna. Yes - I did put those two names in the same sentence! Indeed, it might have been a very essential asset in simply ‘bumping people off’, either literally or figuratively, who got in their way. But for those not wishing to inflict pain and hurt those that have a close relationship to them, being an obsessive person is certainly not something to aspire to.

Yet, while we may not fit into the extreme examples above, most of us must confront energies of being obsessive at different points in our lives, especially in relationships. As a psychic, it is amazing how often I see people absorbed within the illusion of being obsessive. When one is within the illusion of being obsessive it doesn’t necessarily mean you are in control of the situation. Most often, people aspiring to be obsessive in life tend to be in a constant state of frustration because things just don’t keep working out as they had planned. Do you feel your life would be happier if you weren’t being constantly blocked by other people’s issues or problems? If your answer is ‘yes’, then you most likely are obsessive.

Life never turns out the way we plan and can be the cause of obsessive relationships

For people stuck in obsessive energies, the idea that life does not turn out to be the way we plan, it is like a terrible and frightening truth. It creates insecurity and uncertainty, a feeling of being ‘out-of-control’. Most people stuck in obsessive energies spend their life vacillating between feeling happy and obsessive and being unhappy and not obsessive. I think dieting is a great example of how being obsessive never works. For many women (and more often, men now too) there are two simple states of feelings about our body - I am happy, slim and eating correctly; I am miserable, overweight and eating badly. Our body becomes like a beast we are trying to be obsessive, but which simply won’t obey our mind’s orders. Your mind says ‘eat that healthy piece of celery’ and your body says ‘Stuff the celery, I want chocolate!’ Sometimes the mind wins for a while and you slim down, and at other times, the body wins and you’re looking like one of the ‘celebs gone fat’ pinups.

In relationships, we can also be obsessive. I feel happy when my partner is telling me how much he loves me, and he is doing all the right things, and I am unhappy when he is not doing the right things. When things aren’t going ‘right’, we spend our time trying to be obsessive in relationships with regards our partner to try and make it right again.

How to break the obsessive cycle

Step One – Realize being obsessive ever works. The biggest problem is that most people see some point in their life, or in the life of others, when they think being obsessive works. ‘Oh look - Jennifer Aniston lost all that weight through her ‘never eat’ diet.’ Of course, we fail to notice Jennifer three months later in the ‘Look who’s got fat’ issue of Now Magazine. Bing obsessive is always a quick fix which will only work for so long.

Step Two – Stop struggling to ‘get what you want.’ Learn to accept what life presents you. We think our misery comes from not getting what we want in life, but most of our misery comes from struggling to be obsessive in most circumstances. Learn to surrender to life and you will find that other fruits are bound to grow.

Step Three – Work with others to achieve your goals ant not cause obsessive relationships. Many people end up feeling they are battling against others to achieve happiness. If you believe that the world is a hostile place and people only look after themselves, then that is the world you create for yourself. If you have been badly hurt before due to obsessiveness, don’t let this poison your relationships with others.

Letting go of being obsessive is one of the most liberating things you can do in order to enhance relationships with others. It’s like going on a fun ride at an amusement park or floating down a stream. There is a joy in the unknown. There is nothing more boring than an obsessive life. Change is interesting, even if it is sometimes painful. Learn to dance with the spirit of change and the demon of being obsessive will disappear.

Bede Nicholson is a gifted psychic clairvoyant and author, who has written extensively on contemporary personal relationships.